As a woman, sometimes we crave understanding. We sit in groups of two or more and speak about the most controversial topics, as well as gossip about the silliest things, kicking our feet and preaching about how I could never. But as a black woman, we turn these group discussions and gossip sessions inside out to create wisdom and lessons because while we could never, we were taught that you should never say never.
We take this liquid gold and mold them into tokens of knowledge, handing them down to generations after us and ultimately forming another black woman like me. Hi, my name is Tiana Allen, a junior forensic chemistry major at the Alabama State University. And welcome to Crown Conversations, where we talk about culture, womanhood and power straight from the throne.
Today’s topic of discussion is, what is a black woman? I remember the day my mother told me the special quote that many black girls before me have been told. It was a sunny day, the first day of seventh grade, and there were changes that were so obvious to none, but obvious to me. Suddenly, my sports bra could no longer do the trick.
It was important that I kept the bra on and kept the girls supported and lifted. I now crumbled in pain and prayed to make it through a school day with no accidents, everyone. For the first time, I was able to ask for a pad, but apparently some girls use tampons.
My mother pulled my braids into a bun, purple and pink accents showing brightly and proudly. She spoke, Tiana, you’re starting to become a woman now, so I need you to understand a few things. Silence was all I heard after that.
The conversation was awkward for my mother, but she tried her best. I understood a lot more about myself, but the silence was heavy. I didn’t think I was ready for this journey. I’m still so young and how will I navigate this journey? Who’s gonna help me? What?
I breathed in and out, except in my face. My mommy is raising a strong black woman and I will not disappoint her. In high school, changes happened to me that were obvious to all.
Training bras, nope. I now shopped in a pink section of Victoria’s Secret while my mother glared at me every time I side-eyed a piece of lingerie. I now understand a tampon and it’s not funny.
How do other girls use those things? I don’t understand hype about it. Oh, and now girls ask me for pads because I’ve learned to be prepared because you never really know. My pants are bigger now, which means I’m shopping for those on Fashion Nova because Old Navy doesn’t seem to understand that stretching jeans is a good thing and not everyone is shaped like a pant.
I mean, we should be more inclusive in our sizes. So as I pranced around Walmart in my newly-brought shorts and a baby tee, I felt great. According to my mama, my body was something many people paid and wished for, so I shouldn’t be ashamed.
I love the way my thighs jiggled as I walked. I love the way that walking into tight spaces often resulted in something behind me being knocked over, and I loved being me. So imagine my surprise when a grown man tried to hit on me.
Persistent harassment to the point that I no longer was confident in my body. He said it’s my fault I look so grown, so I should cover that up, and so I did. From then on, my lessons from other women varied.
Sit with your legs crossed at the heel, not across your lap. Your hair is nappy. What are you gonna do with it? You can’t wear clothes like her.
She’s smaller, so it doesn’t look as provocative. Be careful with men. They only do things for you when they want things from you.
As a black woman, you have to be strong. The world doesn’t care about us, not even our own men, and so I went about life, trying my hardest to navigate what it meant to be a black woman. That was until it finally clicked at the predictable age of 21, and here we venture off into our crowned conversation.
At this point in my life, I have been able to decide my own opinion on things. I don’t believe that every man wants something from you when he does something for you. I’ve been proven that point multiple times.
I do believe you should sit with your legs crossed at the ankle, not at the knee, and I don’t believe that a black woman has to be strong. I believe that as a black woman, we have to learn how to be vulnerable. Sometimes, taking it to the heart, taking it to the chest, as I may say, isn’t the best option.
We try to be strong in situations where we should be able to speak freely or feel our emotion. It shouldn’t matter if you feel like my response was too strong. This is my emotion, and I will go about it as I feel.
Throughout my time of me becoming a young adult, I’ve been able to have plenty of experiences in life, and some things I do agree with that I was taught, but others I don’t agree with. I’ve realized that it is up to you to form what a black woman should be. There’s various different ways that people feel that we should be.
Some say we should be quiet, some say we should be strong, some say we should be a little more independent or a little less independent. Instead of following what someone thinks we should be, let’s be ourselves. Me, as a black woman, I am sweet, I can be overly caring sometimes, and honestly, I’ve been told I’m a little too independent, but that’s me.
I don’t see anything wrong with it, so that’s who my black woman is. And so I strongly encourage others to look into what you think a black woman is. You don’t have to fit inside of a box.
And I’ve also come to realize that many will not agree with how you go about your living. My grandfather raised me with the standard of a woman should be seen behind a desk. However, look at me now.
I am currently in school to be a forensic chemist, ultimately going to medical school to become a forensic pathologist. That is not a behind-the-desk job, and I could never see myself sitting in a chair for hours and hours and hours, days on days. That’s just not me.
Some say black women should ultimately start looking for a husband at some point, but honestly, I don’t see that in my future. Mostly, I picture myself being by myself and enjoying my wealth. Some say a black woman has to be educated.
That I 100% agree on, but educated in what way? That is for you to decide.